The Life and Times of the King of Northern Ireland

Spilled Milk, LOL

2006-10-02T15:49:00.000+01:00

Two updates in one week, you must think all your birthdays must have come at once what! So after church yesterday (BORING!!) me and Eileen took a wee spin out in the car and went off for a picnic in a happy place - a Catholic graveyard lol. Only messing! I took my Gameboy and played Tetris (totally retro) while Eileen drove. Even though she is a woman she is quite a good driver and only made a few mistakes which I didn't neglect to point out lol! She got a bit annoyed and I'm like, what are you getting your knickers in a twist over woman, and she's all like, Blah blah blah and in the end we didn't have a picnic at all. She threw a sandwich at me and I think that's offensive, it was a good sandwich too with a breaded chicken fillet in it lol!

It was one of the biggest fights we ever had, it all comes down to how immature she is. I refused to speak to her all the way home, and instead silently stroked the hamster, who although dull and odorous, I have grown to love very much. Best friends we are, lol! Watch out Jeffrey, the hamster is taking over lol. He's a good protestant hamster too, always dressed in orange. Getting fat though, or maybe preggers lol, must be eating too much, or sneaking out at night into the cages of other local hamsters like a dirty Catholic what!!

Anyway we went home and I went straight upstairs and slammed the bedroom door and got out my Knex (yeah!) and built the coolest monster robot ever and then Jeffrey called round and he built one too and I was like, you're the Catholic - let's fight! Jeffrey got a bit annoyed and in the end nobody liked me, it was a bit of a bad day all round. But then I sat me down and wrote a wee hate note to the pope:

GET OFF YOUR THRONE KING RATFACE, NOBODY LIKES YOU AND YOUR EVIL EYES, WHY NOT DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND GROW A SPASTIC KIDNEY

and that cheered me up so all was not lol. I hope Eileen forgives me soon because my tummy is rumbling like a big JCB and I can smell something wafting up the stairs, hopefully it's a frozen pizza (cooking though lol!) but you never can tell with Eileen, it might be marshmallow casserole lol.

Back From The Dead LOL

2006-09-28T21:53:00.000+01:00

Now I've been a lazy boy, haven't I LOL. Sure isn't Eileen saying that day in day out. Like a broken record so she is. I haven't written a blog entry in months. I have been busy getting old LOL and eating a lot of sweets from The Sweet Factory which are like £5.00 for a little bag but they are so tasty. But now what with the new stupid pope saying stupid things last week I had to say a few words. Here is my impression of the situation:

RATFACE: Oh I don't like wars and fighting and the Islamics are very violent

ISLAM: No we're not. DIE DIE DIE!

RATFACE: Oh sorry, I was talking about someone else. Ill just get my coat (lightweight) and board the next train to hell.

ISLAM: Too good for you! DIE DIE DIE!

I can't say whose side I am on, it's very confusing LOL. I think I will stay neutral and say the pope is Satan and Islam is maybe Satan's spawn. I couldn't be too sure on it, I haven't read up on the "theology" LOL but I do know one thing: you can't just go round loafing people unless it's with guns in knees - that's the etiquette as they say LOL.

Eileen says I HAVE to comb my hair tonight or birds will be making nests in it LOL. I had better do that now because I really really want to see the OC before I go to bed, I have a few episodes recorded and I really like that Summer, Eileen doesn't look like that LOL!! Right catch you soon, I have more polemics on the pope you won't want to miss it.

Back again LOL

2006-05-12T16:36:00.000+01:00

Well I haven't written in over a year, since the pope died there didn't seem to be much point cos a lot of this blog was making fun of the pope, but now there's a new one RATFACE so I am back to write more things for you lol! I have a few things to say:

RATFACE sucks and is a crap pope, I actually quite liked old John Paul, even if that wasn't his real name and his best friend was Satan lol.
I had two Mister Freeze ice pops today - actually they were cheap imitations from a German supermarket - Eileen is too stingy to buy the original versions lol! I had them because it was so hot but now it's not hot, in fact there's thunder lol???!!!
Geoffrey Donaldson is my best mate but I am so tired of him being jealous that I spent lots of time with Willie McCrea in the last few weeks. We couldn't help it! We were playing this X-Box game thingy and we needed to keep meeting up to get to the last level. I won of course lol. Well I'd write that even if I hadn't won, wouldn't I, lol! Says you, wot! You big Catholic!

And that's about everything for today. Because it is Friday I have to go and do a bit of work on the Sunday sermon - this week it is about how Catholics are robbers and have little stumpy tails just above their bottoms lol. No point in not using your position to its best advantage eh says you!

Have to go, there was a surge with a bit of lightning and Eileen's gone and burnt herself on the toaster, in which she was making dinner. Chinese it is then lol! Chinky chinky chips and sawfingah!

Love,

Ian P

Well, the pope has passed on.

2005-04-05T16:51:00.000+01:00

We can understand how the Roman Catholic people feel at the death of the Pope and they are entitled to express their sorrow and grief.

LOL.

No, I don't mean that wee laugh at all. We need to learn that everyone on Earth no matter what position he holds or the claims he makes or the support he has must come to death and eternity.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Giggles LOL

2005-03-01T17:51:00.000Z

Hello there.

Had a mad week, the pope's in hospital so we've been saying anything we like. I was at a conference with Jeffrey the other day and we were passing each other notes, lol. These are just two of them. We couldn't stop laughing lol. Isn't it awful the way you can't control your giggles just when you know you should be serious? Like when you're giving your sermon on a Sunday and you have to say "ass"!! Lol!! Or when you're giving a talk just before elections and you say you'll work hard!! Lol!!

Not much else happening. I got a new hampster but I'm bored of it already. Eileen has been on at me about the state of my hair but I hate the barber and there is nothing I dislike more than combs. I have always had this thing about combs. Combs are evil, I have comb phobia, which I don't think has an official name. They look like teeth and I'll go to hell before I'll ever let a set of teeth near my hair lol!!

Summer Time And The Living Is Easy LOL

2005-02-23T19:04:00.000Z

Not at all, what! says you! Sure 'tis snowing to beat the band outside. What a terrible cold day, lol! Myself and Eileen were in all day, didn't get a thing done. Had a great laugh over all the money being found in those IRA members houses - sure didn't we know it was them all along. Bad bastards. And Gerry Adams sure isn't he the king of them all. He's the Skeletor and I'm the He-Man! And ye all wonder why I make such a fuss over those brats. They'd rob the eye out of your head, so they would, then sell it back to you laced with heroin.

Tonight is going to be SOOO cool. All the lads are coming round because I got a set of Buffy dvds and we're going to watch them all and eat loads of junk food. That Buffy can slay me anytime lol! Only joking sure she'd cut the head off me lol! And so would Eileen if she knew how much I fancy that young Buffy lol!

Anyway have to go now and make the microwave popcorn it won't make itself lol!

The Day of Love LOL

2005-02-14T14:12:00.000Z

This heart is a message of love, for one day only, to all of the Catholics who read my blog.

Only joking lol you'll all probably rot in hell!

The sermon went well yesterday, I suppose, but my thighs are chafed from the demon costumes, and I've been walking bow legged all day with Sudocrem on the sores lol. No fun for me and Eileen tonight lol.

Double Trouble LOL

2005-02-12T19:43:00.000Z

MY GOD. If there is one thing that I detest, it's shopping. We scoured the streets of bonny Belfast lol looking for a pair of decent trousers. We finally got some solid grey ones in Marks and Spencers, but unfortunately there was an embarrassing incident in the changing room where I accidentally ripped the first pair I tried on. Not sure what to do, I stuffed the torn pair into my rucksack. Then, of course, there was an unfortunate beeping as I left. The security guard approached me suspiciously, but as soon as he saw who I was, he backed off. Good idea too, lol. Me and Eileen legged it.

The day wasn't all doom and gloom though. I got a new poster for my bedroom wall.

Also, when Eileen wasn't watching, I got a deck of cards with girls in bikinis on them and I can't wait to show them to the lads at work, especially Jeffrey. I'll need to keep them well hidden from Eileen, as she's not as liberal as I am.

I spent all of today preparing my sermon for Sunday. The basic jist of it will be that Catholics are demons in disguise. I've employed a local woman called Betty to rig up some costumes for the illustrations. Betty's really into her demons (she's been at two exorcisms) so they should be pretty close to the real deal. I'm going to wear the costumes myself: I'm not so conservative that I'm above that lol.

I guess that's it. I really should have an old pray about the sermon but I think I'll go look at those cards for a while and then watch Shrek 2 until I fall asleep lol. I can smell rice pudding or something so I guess Eileen's making a treat - YES! Saturday nights are so cool.

Love,

Ian P

Stupid Pope LOL

2005-02-10T20:49:00.000Z

Dear Diary,

Here are some lovely anagrams of my name, The Reverend Ian Paisley, lol.

He repeats inane devilry.
I, rather insanely peeved.
He lead intensive prayer (sounds a bit Jamaican lol).
Ah, repent, ye! Rise and live!

Cool or what.

Today I read the pope's blog and it's sooo pathetic. "Oh I'm so glad to be out of hospital!" Pansy. I always enjoyed a spell in hospital. Good for the soul! Trust him to not want to go into hospital.

I didn't do much other work than that. That proposterous blog entry got me all riled up so I went looking for a journalist to talk to about the papal conspiracy, but had no luck. All the journalists must be sick of me lol. So I went round to Peter Robinson's house for a few hours but there was nothing on the telly except Spongebob Squarepants and it was in the "Irish language" so that was no good. Peter took out his Connect 4 and me and him played that for ages. I won of course lol. Then I went home for tea and Eileen had made my favourite - canned spaghetti on toast - so I was well chuffed.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping for new trousers. Eileen's making me. What's a man to do lol.

The Uk Rules LOL

2005-02-09T17:34:00.000Z

Well hello there and welcome to my new "blog" lol. I hope you can understand me as I've been told I have a rather thick Ballymena accent lol.

Well today was just great. I spent the afternoon with Jeffrey Donaldson playing in his back garden with his new Stretch Armstrong. You wouldn't believe how far his arms will stretch!! That's the toy I mean, not Geoffrey lol. Willy McCrea came over later and he had two packets of M'n'Ms with him so we had a bit of a wee fight over who'd get those! I won of course lol I always do.

Then the wife Eileen BATTLEAXE (only joking lol I love you Eileen my flower) made me go for a haircut and I was like och no! I had to endure the evening with little bits of hair stuck to my collar as tonight isn't bath night and rules are rules.

Well that's it for now. Maybe more later when Scrubs is over!

Love

Ian P